2024-03-03: A few months ago I was sitting on one of the couches in the school. I had my college application document open on it. I was doing research on what other reasons I could go to these places besides “You are a high-ranking school! Please pick me and give me money also!” I had a lot of trouble with doing this. I am a literal, no-nonsense person. My college counsellor has told me to edit my apps countless times.
My friend walked over to the couch. We have a study block that’s just us and 4 other people, and we play pool against each other for coffee. He has a good seven inches on me.
He jumps onto the couch and says “Take a break, little bro. Stop the application grind.” This is how he talks. A lot of “Grind” this and “Cooking” that. He is a massive nerd and uses these words liberally when he is cramming for his science classes (and so do I, by his influence).
For five solid fucking seconds, I have to bite the inside of my cheek to suppress a massive smile because I am, apparently, his Little Bro.
I do not want to explain why this meant so much to me. I hardly understand it, and yet understand it too much. If I get into details, I will start keysmashing. It meant too much. I hope that suffices.
“You good?”
“YEAH, but no breaktime, I need to finish these by tonight, I got a self-deadline.” This was true, just not the whole truth, but I needed to say something.
Anyway. Shoutout to my Friend for accidentally cracking my shit aha. Fuck.
2024-02-03: I am somewhat intoxicated. Insert soju facebook meme here. Good Day has been responsible for a lot in my life
I get increasingly obsessed with people in a romantic way. Not really crushes, athough that's the best word for it. i think that crushes come in different fonts, different forms. There's your friend, and there's your rival, and there's the person that you would never date ever, but what if? I think these ones are about the "what ifs" because every last one already has a partner.
Gonna be honest, One (that is her name) is the most boring. She is conventionally attractive and has good fashion sense and is incredibly figity (I know this because I stare at her during class on occassion, if nothing else is going on) and she'll rub on her thighs and her Body like nobody is looking at her. I am. Ugh. Two is a rival. I have no idea if she likes me. My friend says she sees me as an academic rival but I see her as a classmate. She laughed in physics class and I had to just bask in it. She very much has a boyfriend that I see everyday, so it's going nowhere, but I can take the moments of laughter. She won an award today. I don't see her as a rival. I'm happy for her.
Three. I am in a band and one of my bandmates is. She is. She just is okay. It's hard to talk about. Sometimes when she is singing I have to stop playing and listen because their voice is intoxicating. There's a lot of conflicting emotions going on. I need to tell her to buy a pedal that'll make her guitar go down an octive so we can White Stripes our live performances if our third member doesn't want to perform in front of strangers. It'll be okay. Anyway yeah I am sappy.
2023-08-23: School started. It's exactly the same as last year. I have fifteen things due already (Thanks, International Bachlauriate) and Im so. So. Done. My one friend changed schools and did not tell us. I found out from our homeroom teacher. People keep ghosting me and my mother said that she's sorry all of these people are assholes and it's not my fault. I don't know Mom. Maybe it is! Maybe there is something intrinsicly fucking wrong with me. and that is why nobody responds to my texts.
I act like I don't have friends. I have at least 3 and talked with my neighbor today. Immediately shared my ao3 details because I am desperate for attention for my writing. That's working out well for me I think.
2023-08-04: I've been extremely busy. I've been working, went on vacation, came back and worked some more. I'm going camping in a week. Sparing certain details but I'm stuck in a house I don't like for I don't know how long. Everything keeps happening and I don't think I'll catch a break until next May. Everytime I think too hard about things I feel like I'm 14 again and one lost friend away from developing bulimia. Maybe I'll get drunk tonight. None of my friends are around except one, and I already had dinner with her last week and I don't want to seem desperate. She's working too.
I'm finally listening to the full of Teens of Denial. I'm terrible at listening to albums in full, so I'm looking up all the songs I haven't heard one by one and listening. I like She's not an unforgiving girl a lot. Maybe that will be my new song. I listen to music weird, I find ten or so songs I really like and listen to only them for two months, then find new songs and repeat the process. It makes me feel like a poser, but I'm not really pretending to know anything (besides with my dad).
A few months ago I was talking to a girl and she said the live version of a song is never as good as the original. I disagreed. The live version of Cosmic Hero is a lot better than the recorded version. On the vacation I mentioned above, I listened to the studio version of Cosmic Hero a lot (long songs are good for plane takeoffs). It's got its merits. I especially love the 'It'll be alrights' even if it is a bit more... airy than the live version. I still sing it like the live version though. Change up the lyrics a little. Give the people I should have forgiven a long ass time ago a pronoun and singularity. I don't lie in bed alone, I sleep with the ringing in my ears turned down to listen.
2023-06-07: Hey it worked. stuff is now up and running and that's epic and cool. What's not epic and cool is that I have exams I should be studying for instead of working on my cool ass website. Ugh. I have physics tomorrow and chem on friday. We'll see how that goes...
2023-06-06: I'm trying to make another page on the website let me see if it works.